When To Move Out From A Relationship – 6 Things You Must Know Before Deciding.
When’s the time to move out? Do I move out, or don’t I move out? Some relationships have not worked from the beginning, others where there have been great disappointments very difficult to leave behind, and there are also those in which each one has evolved to a different place.
If you find yourself in any of these situations and consider the future of your relationship, I will give you some guidance in this article.
HOW DO I DECIDE WHETHER TO MOVE OUT OR NOT?
There are relationships that never quite worked.
After a golden age of growth and mutual commitment, others have experienced disappointments so great that they find it impossible to forgive and move forward.
Some couples have always understood each other perfectly but who, after the years, realize that their essential future projects do not fit.
The chances are that most of us have ever been through a similar situation and, despite being aware of the future relationship, we have been anchored much longer than desired on that drifting ship.
But why lengthen the decision when we can save ourselves significant doses of suffering?
Today, fortunately, we can separate ourselves in a normalized and accessible way, as expressed in these quotations below, the prayer of grief.
Still, you will leave in your wake fewer secondary victims (like children).
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO MOVE OUT?
Throughout this article, I offer you some clues provided by couples therapy experts to answer the question, do I separate or not?. To know if the healthiest thing is to move forward or if, on the contrary, it is time to separate:
1. THE “FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE”.
The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensive attitude, and rectification/evasion.
Although they can be found promptly in happy couples, these are four styles of communication that can poison the relationship when they appear repetitively and regularly.
If you’ve been trapped in contempt, in indifference, in a continuous dance of attack-defense for a long time, you might think that the relationship might be in its end.
So do I move out or not? If you still have energy reserves left, you can overcome these destructive dynamics with therapeutic help.
But if the battle has diminished all your strength, maybe it’s time to get out of the spiral to make way for a new stage.
2. THE STORY OF “WE.”
The story and memories around the love story (the beginnings, the previous romance, the declarations of love, the “how we met”, the wedding, the children, etc.) are particularly damaging in couples involved in the breakup.
In these cases, memories are either full of negativity or, worse, absent.
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Clearly, in the face of crises, we walk among clouds, and our vision may be affected. But if we cannot rescue a shred of light in our history, marriage is most likely in grave danger.
Be sure to clarify your doubts. Or you can consult a professional so you can take stock of your relationship and make the best decision for your family.
3. LACK OF SEXUAL DESIRE
They may perceive the couple as a great amigo, they may be understood perfectly, or they may share ideas and thoughts around the world around them.
However, they have lost all sexual interest in each other. So the question arises, do I move out or not?
Sometimes this lack of desire can be a symptom of other unmet needs in the couple, such as feeling un-respected, undervalued, not taken into account… He did not express this need has created an impassable wall of emotional distance between the two.
It may also happen that certain vital events have transformed the reality of the couple, and now its members do not walk in the same direction.
In any case, sex and attraction are essential elements of conjugal love, and when they fail in the long term, they alert us to the presence of a crisis.
4. THE TRIANGLE OF LOVE
For unconditional love to occur, the balanced combination of three elements is essential: intimacy, commitment, and passion.
Intimacy brings us the warmth of connection and closeness in the couple. Passion refers to physical attraction, spark, and desire to have sex.
And commitment involves loyalty to the couple, the decision to love her and keep that promise over time, despite the ups and downs that can shake her.
The presence of at least one of them is necessary to be able to talk about love. And depending on the combination of the three elements, the type of love established (and the type of triangle or love pyramid) will be different and particular for each couple.
The risk of rupture can occur when each other’s ideal of love collides head-on and what you expect from each other has nothing to do with it.
Our ideal of love relates to our early experiences and affective models that have become internalized, as well as to socially constructed messages around love.
And it is possible that what we seek in the other person (tenderness, communication, closeness, open expressions of affection, future commitment) is impossible to obtain at a certain level.
In short, did your answer to the question separate me or not? It should also take into account the ideal of love of each one.
5. INCOMPATIBILITY OF ESSENTIAL FUTURE PROJECTS
The importance of building a shared future is required so that the couple will last in time and the initial commitment can be consolidated.
The problem arises when one ends up resigning for not breaking the relationship. Some renounce their desire to have children or set aside essential professional projects because that would mean breaking the bond.
These renunciations, if they affect a part of our essence or identity, if they are part of our most long-awaited dreams, can, in the long run, become reproach and resentment.
If your most profound desires (your life project, your dream) are entirely incompatible with bond maintenance, perhaps the right thing for both of you is to say goodbye.
Sometimes some couples consult us to eliminate violent relationship patterns. In these cases, we are talking about two-way and reciprocal violence, where both sides take an active role in the problem, and both are responsible for the change to be made.
In these cases, couples therapy is a viable alternative to working on the relationship.
Now, if what you are living is a situation of abuse, gender-based violence, where the inequality of power and submission and control exercised by your partner has only stripped you of your freedom to be, to feel, to act…
YOUR PRIORITY MUST BE TO PROTECT YOU. It’s time to find help so we can put a point and end to the relationship.
In this case, in addition to seeking legal and professional help, separation is undoubtedly the healthiest exit door at your fingertips. Both for you and your children if you have them.
WHAT DO I EARN AND WHAT DO I LOSE IF I MOVE OUT?
To answer your dilemma, do I move out or not? You can think about what you earn and what you lose if you move out.
If you feel incredibly liberated when you ask yourself this question, your internal thermometer gives you a powerful signal about what you need.
Beyond focusing on your partner’s negative, pay attention to your inner world.
What do I need?
Will I be able to satisfy my deepest desires if I continue in this relationship?
Do I feel like giving us another chance and transforming my marriage?
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Does our problem have a solution?
Do I want to bet on him/her, or is it fear that slows me down to make a decision?
Questions like these can help you reflect and make a thoughtful decision, especially when there are children in between.
In any case, only you know your marital history in-depth, and only you have the answer in your hands.
IN CONCLUSION, WHEN TO MOVE OUT?
In conclusion, in this post, I have told you about six key topics to consider if you doubt your relationship. Clarifying can be very difficult. In these cases, temporary separation is also a formula to consider.
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Despite the pain of a rupture, today, no one can deny its potential benefits significantly when love has been transformed into torment; in a tide of agony.
Fear is one of the factors that block us the most when making this decision, and bereavement one of the most crippling consequences. Therefore, the decision to break up requires a lot of courage.
Even so, if this process is carried out by mutual agreement and with some harmony, not only will you get angrier about the elaboration of the duel, but you will leave in your wake fewer secondary victims (such as children).