Healthy relationships, the way it goes
Intimacy, security, respect, good communication, a sense of being valued.
These are some of the things that most people would agree make for healthy relationships and researchers would agree to.
There’s a large body of literature on romantic relationships that’s identified the features of healthy relationships and the list just provided contains many of them. Researchers also agree on what makes for unhealthy relationships, things like fighting so much that you just can’t work things out.
Not being able to go to your partner for support when you need it, contempt criticism, hostility, violence.
When these problems happen in relationships they can cause significant unhappiness.
They can lead to the end of relationships and divorce and they can literally make people physically and emotionally sick, this is why it’s so critical that people have healthy relationships, but there’s a problem how many people know. I mean really know what to do on a day to day basis to create healthy relationships.
My point is this, we may know what a healthy relationship looks like but most people have no idea how to get one and no one teaches us how to do so. We need to teach people how to have healthy relationships. Now you know when we typically do so after it’s too late it’s called couples therapy.
Ingrained problems and patterns
I do couples therapy and it can be a wonderful thing but many people come to couples therapy with so many ingrained problems and patterns that they just can’t change. It’s too late you know what else we try to teach people how to have healthy relationships right before they get married. It’s called premarital education and this is a good idea.
Teach people how to have a good relationship while they’re still happy presumably and it can workout in my opinion. It’s still too late, why?Because people have already selected the person they want to commit their life to what if they selected poorly no amount of premarital education can makeup for a bad partner choice.
So the ways that we’ve tried to teach people how to have healthy relationships have been limited because they fail to address three important things, genuinely knowing what you want and need in a partner, in a relationship, selecting the right person and developing and using skills right from the beginning and I don’t mean the beginning of any particular relationship, I mean the beginning, beginning like as soon as possible we need to teach people especially young people how to have healthy relationship.
So towards this end, my colleagues and I have developed skills based model of relationship functioning that we believe can help people create the things that lead to healthy relationships and reduce the behaviors that lead to unhealthy ones.
We’ve identified three skills, Insight, Mutuality and Emotion regulation, that form the basis for what we call romantic competence.
Romantic competencies, the ability to function adaptively across all areas or all aspects of the relationship process from figuring out what you need, to finding the right person, to building a healthy relationship and to getting out of relationships that are unhealthy.
I’ll tell you more about the skills in a minute but first let me say we didn’t just make this up out of the blue. We identified the skills based on a thorough review of theory and research and the skills really represent the commonalities across the major theories and research findings on healthy relationships and because they represent the commonalities, we think they really can help people with all the different parts of the relationship process and with all different people, whether people are in a relationship or not.
So let me tell you about the skill. The first one is Insight. Insight is about awareness and understanding and learning, so with insight you’ll have a better idea of who you are, what you need, what you want, why you do the things you do?
So let’s say you’re being really snappy to your partner, with insight you might notice or realize that it’s not that your partner’s doing anything, it’s actually that you’re really stressed out at work and what you really need is to relax a little bit, so it doesn’t bleed out over into your relationship.
Insight will also let you know your partner better, let’s say your partner shows up late for a date, with insight you’ll know why for example, maybe your partner’s late for everything it’s nothing about you it’s nothing about the relationship, that’s just who your partner is, with insight you’ll be able to anticipate the positive and negative consequences of your behavior. For example you know you’ll know that if you send that nasty text it’s not gonna go well maybe, you better make a phone call instead.
With insight you’ll be able to learn from your mistakes in ways that allow you to behave differently in the future so maybe you’ll recognize that you’re the kind of person who tends to jump in really quickly.You get wrapped up in the romance of things and then things don’t go well so you might be able to say, “Well you know what, the next time I’m just gonna take things a little more slowly and not repeat the same mistake” and with insight you’ll have a better understanding about what’s really right for you in a relationship.
Maybe you’re the kind of person who really needs a monogamous relationship. You’re not okay with your partner seeing other people or maybe you’ll realize it’s just the opposite, that you’re not ready to settle down and you need a partner who’s okay with that. So that’s insight.
Mutuality is about knowing that both people have needs and that both sets of needs matter. With mutuality you’ll be able to convey your own needs in a clear, direct fashion that increases the likelihood that you’ll get them met. So let’s say, you have to go, to a really stressful family event and you’d like your partner to be there with you. You might say directly.
” You know this is going to be stressful for me, I’d really love for you to be there. You’ll be a good buffer for me. Is there any way you can clear your schedule all to come with me?” With mutuality you’ll be willing to meet your partner’s needs, as well, let’s say, you know that your partner really likes to go to the gym first thing in the morning, it makes your partner feel better.
The rest of the day mutuality, will let you be willing to support your partner in this even. Though you’d really rather have your partner stay home and in bed with you and mutuality also lets you factor both people’s needs into decisions that you make about your relationship.
So let’s say you get a great job offer, that you’d like to take but you know it means you’re going to have to work more and you know how important it is for both of you and your partner to spend time together.
With a mutual approach, you might say, “I’d really like to take this job, it’s really important to me, but I also am concerned about us spending time together. If I promise to protect some time for us will you be okay with me taking this job?” That’s a mutual approach to relationships.
The third skill is
Emotion Regulation is about regulating your feelings in response to things that happen in your relationship. With Emotion Regulation, you’ll be able to keep your emotions calm and keep things that happen in your relationship.
In perspective so you might think, “Oh my goodness! This is a disaster. This is the worst thing ever.How am I am going to handle this?” With emotion regulation you’ll think “You know what? I can handle this. This is gonna be alright. There’s a way to deal with this. I’m gonna figure this out.”
Everything’s going to be okay with emotion regulation, you’ll be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not act out on them impulsively. So you’ll be able to think through your decisions more clearly.
So let’s say, you’re waiting for your partner to text you back, that text isn’t coming. You’re getting really anxious, you’re checking your phone every two second. With emotion regulation, you’ll be able to tell yourself, “You know what, calm down! The text is gonna come.
I don’t need to check my phone every second, I’m just gonna put it away and focus on the task at hand ” and with emotion regulation you’ll be able to maintain a sense of self-respect and commitment to your needs, even when bad things happen in your relationship.
So let’s say, you have a breakup, you’re feeling really depressed, you’re really missing your partner. With emotion regulation, you’ll be able to let yourself know, that it’s okay that yeah you’re gonna feel depressed, but you’re gonna get over it.
You’re gonna get through this. If you began and plead to get back together, you’re not gonna feel good about yourself and you don’t even want to be in a relationship that wasn’t good for you.
So Insight, Mutuality and Emotion Regulation, I believe it’s people’s ability to use the skills on a day-to-day basis that lets them have healthy relationships.
Let me give you an example of how this works. The other day, I was talking to someone and she said that when her partner asked her, what she wanted for her birthday, she told him she didn’t want anything. So guess what she didn’t get anything and she got really angry and they had a big fight. Why because she really did want a present, she just didn’t want to tell him, she wanted him to somehow know .
It’s called mind-reading. It’s a terrible idea. It never works. Had she been using the skills, insight would have let her know herself, well enough to realize that she really did want something and if she didn’t get it she was gonna be mad.
Insight also would have let her know that her partner was the kind of guy who was just gonna take what she said literally. Mutuality would have let her really ask for what she wanted directly and clearly
And Emotion regulation would have let her deal with any feelings she was having that were getting in her way of doing that. So maybe she was feeling kind of anxious.
So what would he think, if I asked for what I needed or maybe she was feeling guilty. You know she knows, they’re saving for a big trip and she maybe thought that he would think that she is greedy or something, so she had used the skills she would have been able to say, “You know what, I know we’re saving for that trip, but I really like that necklace that we saw the other day and it wasn’t that expensive.”
He would have gotten it for her. She would have felt respected and valued. He would have been happy, they would have felt more intimate. This whole birthday gift thing, would have gone well instead of ending in fight that could really damage their relationship.
Now this was just an anecdote. We have data to support this as well. I’ve been studying romantic competence. The ability for people to use insight, mutuality and emotion regulation. Among young people, in one of our studies, we looked at 13 and 14 year old girls, early adolescent girls and we found that girls who were more romantically competent felt more secure in their relationships. They felt comfortable being close to people they could trust, people they weren’t worried about being rejected. Girls who were more romantically competent reported fewer depressive symptoms.
They had better mental health, they also were more positive about their expectations about marriage in the future they were more optimistic that it could go well.
Girls with greater romantic competence were engaging in more typical romantic activities for their age. Things that were normative like dating and flirting and affectionate behaviors like hugging and kissing and girls who were more romantically competent were engaging in fewer atypical sexual activities like sexual intercourse which can be considered pretty risky for a 13 and 14 year old girl.
So even at an early age 13 and 14 years old, when these girls mostly were not even in relationships, the more romantically competent they were, the more adaptive relational functioning they were showing and the better mental health they were showing.
We see the same things among young adults 18 to 25 years old more romantically competent men and women feel, more secure in relationships. They also report making better decisions. They can see the warning signs when things aren’t going well and make conscious decisions with confidence.
They’re also better at seeking and providing support to their partners, so they’re more willing to ask for what they need and use what their partners give them and they’re better at providing helpful support when needed and this isn’t just what they told us.
We actually observe them doing this in our laboratory, when we ask them to talk with one another, about a personal problem. Young people who were more romantically competent, also were more satisfied in their relationships. They were happier and again they reported fewer depressive symptoms and also fewer anxiety symptoms so overall being romantically competent at.
A young age is associated with greater more adaptive relationship functioning and greater individual well being and this brings me back to my point that we need to be teaching people how to have healthy relationships.
So like I said earlier on, we may know what a healthy relationship looks like, but most people have no idea how to get one and no one teaches us how to do so and this is a problem.
We need to help people, genuinely know what they want and need in a relationship. We need to help them select the right partner, we need to help them make good decisions and deal with the challenges that relationships bring and we need to help them build and use skills right from the beginning.
This is what the notion of romantic competencies are all about. It’s all about using insight, mutuality and emotion regulation, to reduce the behaviors that lead to unhealthy relationships like fighting and poor support and hostility and criticism and contempt and violence and create the things that lead to healthy relationships like intimacy, security, respect, good communication and of being valued and wouldn’t all of our relationships benefit from this?
I think they would thank you.