Have you, over time, become a sexless couple? “We look like roommates” is an expression I often hear while talking to most of the couples.
These are usually couples who don’t necessarily have a bad relationship, but they have been losing intimacy and sex life over time.
They share a ceiling, bed, and everyday life but have serious doubts about whether they remain a couple.
NON-SEX COUPLE: CO-WORKER SYNDROME
We put the one we would like to be our partner at the center of our thoughts, our hearts, our plans for the future.
But if the relationship progresses, exciting, exciting, and intriguing, it becomes comfortable, stable, and predictable.
In these conditions, the association is consolidated, but often the passion is extinguished, and the syndrome of the roommates appears: the couple without sex or intimacy.
A non-sex couple is a couple with which you share a house and bed, mortgage, car, social life, maybe children but little else.
Despite sharing time and space, the emotional distance increases, and the sex practically disappears.
HOW DO YOU BECOME A NON-SEX COUPLE?
“Floormate syndrome,” as some general outreach magazines call it, doesn’t install overnight. On the one hand, it is the fruit of small daily decisions that gradually feed it:
Dinners with the kids because you’re hungry and stop sharing that time with your partner
You come home and lie on the couch with your cell phone to disconnect
You’re lazy to go out with your partner, and you’d rather stay home watching a series
You take advantage of the time after dinner to work a little harder
You accompany the children to sleep, and you already fall asleep with them
All those moments when you choose not to connect or disconnect from your partner without thinking about the long-term consequences for your relationship.
BUT MORE THINGS CAN MAKE YOU ROOMMATES
It is impossible to live as a couple and not have moments of tension, reunion, discussions, or small disappointments. If these moments are not resolved and repaired, they also add ingredients so that you become a sexless couple.
Estimate the amount of time you spend with your partner in which you are emotionally available. That is, you have a way to talk and listen quietly, without getting defensive.
If you conclude that this spends 50% of the time you spend together, I think you’ll be quite gender-based.
And now, complicate the calculation a little bit and think about the possibility of you matching the two of you would be. Do you accept 25% of the time?
This means that 75% of the time will either only be “available” by a member of the couple or none will be. In that space of time is when it is easier for misunderstandings or frictions to appear.
The other 25% (approximate calculations, of course) is the margin you have to connect to repair the damage you could have caused to enjoy together.
THE CASCADE OF DISTANCE AND EMOTIONAL ISOLATION
Distance and emotional isolation can also come after you have lived in the conflict for a long time.
The waterfall describes the steps that gradually take you away and that you do not detect and stop will become a couple without sex and a different couple.
Tense discussions elevate negative emotions, and if there is no reparation, reconciliation, and assumption of responsibility, they generate an emotional distance over time.
Suppose you add to the distance the 4 riders of the apocalypse (criticism, contempt, defensive and evasive posture).
In that case, the emotional disconnection is getting bigger, and it is possible that despite sharing a lot of time and space with your partner, loneliness will settle within you.
When the disconnection is great, you may even lose the urge to argue for what? If you can’t solve anything.
Gradually you have parallel lives even if you continue to share family time. When you think about what you feel like doing, you slowly erase your partner from your plans.
You have reached that point where the land is paid for third parties to enter or feel that the only option you have left is to throw in the towel.
HOW TO STOP BEING A NON-SEX COUPLE?
Just as I have told you that it is the small decisions that gradually distance you, small choices can also bring you closer.
Put the “have a good time together” chip again. Shared pleasure is a very good way to shorten distances. How did you have a good time at first? What can you enjoy together?
If you don’t think of it here, you have a very good conversation topic when you have some time. Of course, sex is a very good way to have a good time together.
Nights are indeed tired and more if you have little ones, but how would you like to have a date someday a week?
I know you’re going to tell me that logistics are complicated, but you can also date at home. Just plan a private space one night a week.
Do you dare? Oh! I’m not referring to compulsory sex dating; I mean making room for the couple again in the vortex of the day. And if it includes great sex and also.
One way to reconnect with the spark of the beginning is to try to do something new together:
- Learn something that interests you.
- Visit a new place.
- Do some recent activity for the two.
- Cook new recipes.
As far as you can, introduce novelty doses into your relationship.
Anything you can share that includes a dose of passion, curiosity, risk, and/or novelty will know the sea of good. Put aside your pajamas, sofa, and mobile phone and enjoy.